What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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