Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
