woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
