If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
