Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
