areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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