Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
