I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
