don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
