I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
