Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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