Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
