I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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