Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize