I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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