dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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