There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
