You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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