I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
