I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I did not marry a roomba.
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