Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize