he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
