I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
