Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
