you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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