So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When are your genitals available?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize