Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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