I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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