I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
