I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
