I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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