I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
