Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found the puke drawer
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
