All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize