Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
