ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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