and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
