Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think my moral compass just broke
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
