I'm really into asian looking animals
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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