you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
