It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
