like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
