I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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