my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
