Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize