im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Let's get the cat blown out
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize