He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
