I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
