i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
