i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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