is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she looked like the before picture.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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