what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
