Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
