the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
