When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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