he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize