I wish I could punch you in the face.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
