I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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