Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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