Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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