My nipple is on Facebook.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
